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Here’s a comprehensive, realistic healing conversation between two partners (you can imagine any couple; I’ll use “A” and “B”).
Author: Leslie T
A: Can we talk about what happened earlier? I don’t want to leave it the way it is.
B: Yeah… I don’t either. I’m still a little tense, but I want to work through it.
A: Same. I’m going to try to speak calmly, but I might get emotional. I’ll do my best not to blame you, just share how I feel.
B: Okay. I’ll try to really listen and not interrupt. If I get defensive, I’ll try to catch myself.
A: When you walked away in the middle of our conversation and went on your phone, I felt… really small. It felt like I didn’t matter.
B: pauses So you felt like I didn’t care about what you were saying?
A: Yeah. It reminded me of times in the past when I felt ignored. It wasn’t just about today; it hit something deeper. I felt hurt and rejected.
B: Thank you for telling me that. I didn’t realize it felt that heavy for you.
A: I’m not saying you’re a bad person. I just want you to understand the impact of what happened.
B: I hear that. You’re not attacking me… you’re explaining how it affected you. I appreciate that.
B: Can I share what was happening for me?
A: Yes. I’ll listen. Go ahead.
B: When our conversation started getting heated, I felt like every word I said was being twisted, and I got overwhelmed. My chest tightened up and I just wanted to escape. Grabbing my phone was like… my way of running away.
A: So you weren’t trying to disrespect me—you were just overloaded?
B: Exactly. I felt like whatever I said would be taken the wrong way, and I panicked. But I see that from your side, it looked like I didn’t care at all.
A: Yeah. From the outside, it felt like, “They’d rather scroll than deal with me.”
B: I’m sorry it came across that way. That wasn’t my intention, but I understand that’s how it looked and felt.
A: Let me see if I got you right: when things got intense, you felt judged and cornered, and the phone was your way to escape because you didn’t know how to deal with the pressure?
B: Yes, that’s exactly it.
A: Okay. That helps me understand. I still felt hurt, but now I see it wasn’t you saying “you don’t matter” on purpose.
B: And from your side, when I checked out like that, it touched older wounds of being ignored, so it didn’t feel like just “this” argument—it felt like those past experiences too.
A: Yes. It was like all those feelings came flooding back.
B: That makes a lot of sense. I’m sorry my actions triggered that in you.
B: I want to apologize for walking away and going on my phone. That was hurtful and dismissive, even if I didn’t mean it that way. You deserve my attention, especially when things are hard between us.
A: Thank you for saying that. I really needed to hear it.
A: And I also want to apologize for raising my voice and using phrases like “you always” and “you never.” That wasn’t fair, and I know that probably made you feel attacked and unsafe.
B: It did. But I appreciate you recognizing that. Thank you.
A: I think what I need, moving forward, is this:
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, can you tell me directly, like, “I’m flooded, I need a 10-minute break,” instead of just grabbing the phone or walking away?
B: Okay. That’s reasonable. So you need me to stay engaged, even if that means saying “I need a break,” instead of disappearing.
A: Exactly. That way I know you still care and we’ll come back to it.
B: Got it. And my need is: when we’re in conflict, I need you to slow down and not stack up every past mistake. If we can focus on one issue at a time and avoid “you always” or “you never,” I won’t feel so attacked.
A: That’s fair. I can work on that. Just the current issue, not the entire history.
B: Maybe we can make a rule:
If either of us is getting overwhelmed, we say a phrase like, “Pause, I’m flooded,” and then we agree to take a 10–15 minute break—no phones, just calming down—and then come back.
A: I like that. And during that break, we’re not allowed to rehearse arguments in our head or send passive-aggressive texts. Just breathing, grounding, and then we return to talk.
B: Deal. And another rule: we’ll both try to speak in “I feel” and “I need” statements instead of “You always/never” or attacking.
A: Yes. For example: “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted, I need us to slow down,” instead of “You never listen.”
B: Exactly.
A: I want you to know: even when I’m angry, I don’t want to give up on us. I’m fighting because this matters to me, not because I’m trying to destroy what we have.
B: That means a lot to hear. I don’t want to be your enemy. I want to be on the same team, even when we’re upset.
A: We are on the same team. The problem is the problem—not you, not me.
B: Yes. It’s us together versus the misunderstanding or the pattern, not us versus each other.
A: Is it okay if I hold your hand?
B: Yeah… I’d like that. they hold hands
A: Thank you for talking this through with me. I know it’s not easy.
B: Thank you too—for staying, for explaining instead of just shutting down. I feel closer to you now, even though we argued earlier.
A: Me too. I feel lighter. Can we agree that next time we hit something like this, we’ll remember tonight and try to use these tools?
B: Yes. We’ll probably slip up sometimes, but we can keep coming back to this way of talking. That’s what matters.
A: I love you.
B: I love you too.
